apparently the secret to your success is patron
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
