ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
