So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
where are you?
Hypothermia
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
