i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
