....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
