theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
