i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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