the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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