I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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