If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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