blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
