I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just pee around me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
