opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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