$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
