he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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