The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
