Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
And then he peed in my hair
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