It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
