thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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