Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
