And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
