If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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