She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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