i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so that wasnt chicken after all
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
