There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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