I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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