Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
