Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
