i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
