I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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