i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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