none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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