Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
