Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
