He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
