I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
