Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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