I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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