Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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