I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
