I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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