tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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