Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
