I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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