To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
