she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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