the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
