Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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