She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
