I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
