Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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