Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
