This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
