I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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