im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
