I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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